I can see the grass!

March is the month for mud and mold. but I can see the grass outside my window. Its brown but there. That means spring will soon be here and with it every spring thing.
My beloved got me involved in a Live Action Role-Playing game ("Realms") in 2005. I have never been as completely submerged as some people but I like making the characters and the garb and the weapons for the game.
My first character was Jaq. The back story was one I knew very well, but never came into game play, except 2 years ago when the fact that Jaq can not read English and can only read runes was thoroughly helpful to the night quest. ( Yeah, my geek is definitely showing there, as I can actually read moon runes.) She was accepted into Thorne Valley, the nation that our tight knit group of friends are in and when that happened I felt I too was accepted into them. But her style and demeanor is something I no longer want to portray in the Realms, she is quiet and the mercenary type, fighter and all around not the most on the level type people. So I have decided I want a new character.
Laliana is going to be a caster, specifically a seer. warm and kind She will be friendly and open. She also poses a bit of a garbing challenge. She is not human. and though I am excited to see it all come to be, I am reluctant to say much more. I have a good portion of what I need for her, though, I am looking forward to going to my local thrift shops for the rest of what I need.
So that is what projects sewing-wise I currently have going on in my head.
In the kitchen, I am looking forward to making a french onion soup at some point, and a couple other things. I know the warmer weather is coming because my focus is moving away from the warmth of the kitchen.
So lately we have been staying in. Didn't go anywhere all weekend which honestly, is not like us, I have not been in the mood to make the effort and so I tucked my family snugly beneath me and I hid for a few days. Sunday, Mordred went without a diaper the whole day. and he did not have 1 accident. He went pee pee on the potty and was rewarded with the chance to wash his hands for a few minutes. and Then as it was getting later, E and I both knew there had yet to be a poopy. Mordred's dance changed and he went poopy on the potty for the first time. I am glad in a home setting he is basically potty trained, I am nervous to bring him out of the house without the security of a diaper on his butt but I am thinking the day is fast approaching. I am thinking, come April, when he will be 2 1/2 and the diaper bag will be less bulky because the necessity of thicker clothes won't be there we will be ready. in the mean time we will be working on getting him comfortable using the potty with underpants on instead of a diaper. Really going out will be the graduation step, there is far to go until then.
Balthazar is my tiny parrot, he is getting good at mimicking peoples words and actions, he knows yes and no and will nod and shake his head with uh-huh and uh-uh. "More" is currently the word of choice, though sometimes I think he is talking about Mordred more than asking for more. It is fun to compare the 2 personalities, they are so very different.
So that is all for now.
Remember to believe in something, it grounds you and gives you a foundation
~a

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

It seems I am a few days early this week, but I might just have this be an extra one. My vocabulary is awful tonight so you have to forgive me. I worked last night. Didn't like the jobs I did but it was work. This afternoon when my husband woke me up, my temp agency had called, I've been laid off. I've never been laid off before. I don't know how to collect unemployment, I feel a tad rejected even though there is talk that the lay off is only temporary, I was liking what we were able to do financially with the extra paycheck. I didn't want that to go away. Logically, I know I hated my job, I am ill-suited for 3rd shift and the work I did required a set of fine motor skills that after 5 hours of being there (let alone 8) I swore I did not possess. My boys will love having me home again and I can get the house situated with spring right around the corner , the way I need to so we can enjoy the seasons that will open our doors and windows. 
Yes I am in complete and utter denial that winter is still here. I do my passive aggressive best to let it know it is no longer welcome, wear a sweater instead of a coat, wear my hair pinned up instead of covering my neck. It hasn't gotten the message, and I have started sniffling, stupid winter. 

Mordred

Tonights Mordred story comes with a point blank morale. Buy a refridgerator lock. Better yet, buy 5.
My 3 ft monster is a tough little brute and strong to boot. He has been able to open the fridge for at least 6 months and remove anything he can reach. (in those days he went for the juice, the gallon of it, often full, carrying it like a sack of potatoes to the nearest adults.) We bought a lock. it was fabulous. the door wasn't opened, the juice wasn't gotten, he learned to say "juice" instead of fetching it, everyone was happy. I have no idea how the damn thing broke, but it did. and suddenly my persistent little wretch (oh how I love him) was back in the fridge and now is newly-mobile minion (his little brother) applauded his genius and was just as enthusiastic to get in there. We replaced it. 

Balthazar

Yeeeeaaahhh, today it broke again. and my son carefully removed jars of jelly and ketchup and lemon juice and stood them up around the kitchen like some strange obstacle course, then he saw the magical container that would get him a cup to quench his thirst and show me his awesome project. In walked Mordred. "Juice" carrying the gallon. ( I had not realized the lock had broken again, I may have been told but I think I am working with about 60% of my brain function today) But where was Balthazar. Yeah, he was still in the fridge, going after something on the bottom shelf, I am so glad that egg cartons aren't left open. For his punishment, Mordred had to hand me each bottle he brought out to be put away. Honestly he wasn't alone very long, but the boy works fast as any parent knows. For his ingenuity, he got his juice. 
So I have to tell you that like 99.99% of the parents out there that are telling the truth, I have no idea what I am doing, yes I try to keep my kids happy healthy and clean (sometimes 2 out of 3 ain't bad on that one). but when it comes to getting them to do things my management style and parenting style take a page from General S. Patton. "Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity." 

So back to Seuss. So the title makes sense or at least has some foundation, or the topic does. Whatever. That's a vicious cycle of thought, what's the sound of one hand clapping.? Anyway! Today is his birthday. Mordred and I made purple lemon cupcakes while B napped and tomorrow I am going to top them with red and/or yellow pineapple frosting, coconut flakes and a cherry. Dr.Seuss is one of my favorite authors of all time, beyond that of childhood nostalgia and asking my older sister to read Fox In Socks again and again, faster and faster. I respect him as a writer. Did you know that he was originally a political cartoonist and Horton and he were well acquainted before he ever heard a Who? So if Horton heard a Who and the Grinch sole from Who-Ville, that is one teeny tiny Grinch, yes. I tip my hat to Chuck Jones and even Mike Myers and most recently PBS and Martin Short, for seeing his genius and trying to swell it. I do not think they were trying to diminish the pure magic of Theodore Geisel's genius I think instead they were trying to make it their own, show the world how they saw it, artistic interpretation, yep I try to see the positive possibility. Or they are blood-sucking bastards looking to make a quick buck on the shoulders of a giant. 
So that is it for tonight. Remember to believe, in something, it grounds you and gives you a foundation. 
~a

So Lets try to keep track of things now.

Google (or honestly, it might be my computer) is trying to drive me batty. Last time I went to post it did not let me sign into this account, even though my computer saves my passwords. Now I can not get to the replacement that I made for this blog so it seems I am going to flip flop between the 2 until somebody somewhere has kharma come up behind them and give them a swift kick in the pants. Oh wait did I say that? Anyway, it's been a week since I last blogged, I kinda like doing it this often, gives me a chance to know what I am going to talk about and isn't as frequent as to become stressful. So.
First topic (technically second, but bare with me its been a long day) free will! Mordred has started having an opinion. not a little one, not about a few things, a BIG one, about everythign, RIGHT NOW! He is a very sweet and funny boy but as an example, tonight he wanted Buzz pajamas, he was being watched by Gramma, Gramma only had the pajamas we left out for them, Balthazar had Buzz pants. I wonder what Balthazar has on his legs now because I came home and Mordred had on 18 month Buzz pants. Now I know this is a slippery slope, and somehow I am uncomfortable with the idea of him becoming a spoiled little git or a mindless obedient slave to our whim, So the idea of compromising with a 2 year old is placed on the table. Give him a choice of 2 pairs of pants 2 shirts etc, if it doesn't match, no big deal as long as he is dressed appropriately for the days activities. There have been times where there are tantrums and great large amoutns of anger, (luckily he has his father's temper not mine.) but we try to take a step back, pull Balthazar out of the firing area and let the storm blow over, then calm downs, sorries and moving ons.
Balthazar is going to be 13 months in 3 days. He is already trying to talk, he recognizes people and will say "uh-huh and nod his said yes and "uh-uh" and shake his head no. He can climb up stairs quite comfortably these days, but has yet to try to get down them. (Honestly I don't know how old Mordred was to compare them, but I think Mordred may have been first because when he was B.'s age I was 7 months pregnant with B.) Balthazar is very enthusiastic about ...oh everything. and he loves loves. It doesn't matter if he has known you a year or a day, if you want them special baby kisses and hugs you pick up B. because I guarantee he'll already be at your knees with his arms outstretched.
Beyond being a Mommy, which I have to say is the BEST job ever, I am also a friend. 2 specific people are on my mind tonight. the 1st one is BeFri, Yup, that is what I am calling her. because this year we are celebrating being friends for 25 years. and for at least 15 of those she has been my BeFri and I have been her StEnd. Labels that we gave to each other when we were 12 we still know which side of the hearts are ours. So this year we are going to go on vacation, probably just for a weekend, but you better believe I shall be packing things that have been essential to our friendship along the way, movies, toys, and I may get the evil idea to make a shirt or two. and it will be a blast, because we are polar opposites til you get to our middles, then we are kindred and perfect for eachother, I know whatever happens, good or bad she is there for me, she is my security blanket and absolutely divine. I love my K.
The second is Cat. You guys can probably see that I am far from a type A personality. Cat is my organizing resource. I am too right minded (as opposed to left minded not as opposed to crazy) to understand and focus on some concepts that she can linearly see, no issue. Like a clean house. With my brain so scattered, she understands that a clean house actually helps me concentrate better and cleaning is a stress reliever for her, I make a meal she tidies, it's a beautiful thing. Well. She went away for a year. to the sandbox. and she is back now.
These woman are invaluable to me, my life would be so much less everything good that it is without them and I am thankful for them.
My older sister got married in Maine last weekend, and after the car load unwound by following the Tomtom to Kittery Trading Post. My beloved got me a spiral bound cookbook journal to transcribe my recipes into, so that is what I am going to go work on. Homemade cookbooks are the best!
Good night everybody,
~a
G

I win, Damnit! (Feb 18, 2011)

So we ran into some... technical issues this evening with my blog. it's been rectified but it means my followers... will have to re-follow me. If you would be so kind.
This week we acquired a fresh-water fish tank. complete with fish. Mordred and Balthazar love them. I think after a few days of what I am sure was fishy migraines, I think the boys have stopped their need for incessant tapping on the tank. Poor fish. Balthazar has named all the fish Bubba, and Mordred calls them all shish.
So my mother has been making requests on what to have for dinner, when it comes to the kitchen she is full of good ideas and I am best at fruition. 2 nights ago it was fish chowder. the kids loved it. on the other hand, when Mordred asked what it was and I said fish he peered questioningly at the tank. but didn't stop eating.... somehow at that moment I was glad he was too short to reach the panel to open it... visions of my 2 year-old walking around with a mouthful of water and guppies filled my mind, I tried to keep a straight face. By the way, in case you were wondering, the chowder was excellent. It was missing potatoes , but honestly, I don't like potatoes in chowder so they weren't missed, per say. If there is any interest I can give the recipe I used for the chowder and the meal we had the night before.
We had chicken curry. It was my first time making both things but the curry I was truly proud of. The look, the smell, the taste, the spice, all present. I actually can't wait til I can make it again. I used a basic recipe I found then made some substitutions and additions. We have friends coming over on Monday and I am kinda in the mood to knock socks off with another exceptional meal. Ok. so I will tell you a secret. I have 2 reasons I cook. They are mutually exclusive most of the time but it doesn't mean that sometimes they arent both true. Reason #1 I want to impress you. I have low enough self-esteem where I can say that I think I do very few things well. Cooking is amongst them. Reason #2, I like you. and I want to show you.
Food is an incredible thing to me. We need it to survive, but a meal can do and be so much more. When you think of Thanksgiving dinner, are you thinking about just the courses or the stupid story someone has to tell every year, the dynamic of the room, the tradition. When I was little, my mom used to make pastina for me and my brother and the kids in her daycare, to this day I can not make pastina like she can. I can't make hamburgers, or steak like she can either. That taste, that sensation brings me back to a different time and place in my life. Food has no time or place boundaries. it can take you wherever you want to be, even if it is only for the instant it hits your tongue. Some people (like most of the rest of my family) do it with music. I think the next time I write I will tell you about the food mandalas.
For now I am really tired, the coffee has worn out and now I am worn out as well. So,
Goodnight
~a

Sleep is Overrated

I had the pleasure and opportunity to stay at home with my kids til Mordred was 2 and Balthazar was turning 9 months old. When I went back to work, I went back full time and shortly there after, 3rd shift. I had never done 3rd shift before. I wasn't going to say I couldn't but I was wiling to make a go at it. I admit wholeheartedly, I was an idiot. The love of my life works 2nd shift, so our usual week is : I come home from work at 8:15ish, either unwind or eat breakfast til 9:30ish, sleep til about 2, E goes to work, boys are with me, bedtime at 8 I sleep til 1030, at work for 1130, rinse and repeat. This is all well and good and I so appreciate the 4 hours worth of sleep I have in the morning, the trick comes on Friday night, when I could sleep like normal people but I can only sleep for 4 hours at a time before I am awake for at least an hour and a half before I can even think about laying back down. Throw in there 2 little boys that like to make special guest appearances in our bed and sleeping is a pipe dream. I will say that one of the biggest things about myself that I don't like is that I am not a patient person. If I want something done I want it done, then. thank you. Or I will specify someone can take their time. but this makes a double edged sword when its time to wake up and my brain gets frustrated at my body for not cooperating. I am hoping eventually I will like my job more or will learn to sleep when I have to or some other spontaneous miraculous event will make thing s easier for me, but honestly I doubt it. 
This is a BIG week for us. I am excited for it but also I know I am going to be Exhausted by the end of it. Tomorrow, E and I are celebrating Valentine's Day. I am a sucker for the holidays. Birthdays too. He has something planned, no idea what. I think I am just gonna roll with the punches on this one. (hopefully). Monday is actual Valentines Day, my fingers are queued at the ready to send sappy texts to all my closest friends. Tuesday is an anniversary, not ours but one that I acknowledge. Thursday, the family is going down to Boston for B. to see his specialist. 
B has Biotinidase Deficiency. It is a vitamin deficiency that effects everything for his skin to metabolism, from hair loss to seizures. He will be on a supplement for the rest of his life, but his symptoms come out more prevalently if he doesn't take his meds or, like this winter, he gets sick. I am hoping Thursday they do blood tests, since his soft baby skin on his legs and back now has eczema type rashes on it because of the cold he had at the beginning of this month. 
Friday we are bringing the boys to see Disney On Ice: Toy Story 3, neither of them have any concept f it but I am excited for them.
And Saturday, I am gaining a brother-in-law. Kids staying with their aunt. People over 4 ft tall on my side of the family, have a wedding to attend. 
That is this week. gonna be a good one, I hope. oh yeah and E and I are both working um, some of those days, I think I took off Wednesday night so I am not a zombie for the specialist. 
I don't put my kids in daycare, but they have friends they see on a regular basis and activities that stimulate their creativity and imaginations. Mordred has a little girl friend who he shouts er name excitedly when he is told we are going to see her, and his friend that he has had since he was 9 months old and his mommy he will also call by name. I would be concerned if their social or intellectual needs weren't being met, but that is just not the case, so when we need it we know that we will put them in an outside source of day- care. til then. we got it covered. Thanks. 
Ok that is enough of my soapbox today. Time to put it away call it a day
~a

Sushi

After reading facebook one night, 2 people had within hours posted that they wanted sushi. I have tried and loved sushi in the past, I prefer maki over handrolls. I wanted to go somewhere besides our local Chinese buffet for some quality sushi. My older brother has Japanese in his lineage and in the past our family has been taken out to eaten by one of them. It was one of the few times that I had been to a restaurant with sushi that was decent in the area. (Boston has some great places but I wasn't making that trip on a whim) So I posted that I wanted sushi as well and the reaction I got from it was inspiring. there were a surprising number of people that wanted to go out with me. Oh look a brick wall. I am Terrified! of crowds. Organizing a group is not something I have a forte in. and having people that I respect let alone admire... lets just say the idea of planning this was daunting at best. In the end, out of the 6 people who showed interest in going, only 3 of us were in attendance. At first I viewed this as an enormous failure. people weren't coming, the day didn't work out, there were a lot of reasons, all valid. but then I picked up these 2 women. They had never met but surprisingly one woman's children LARP'd with the other woman's brother-in-law. My head officially hurt. 
We went to a sushi place a town away and you would never have imagined there was ever a time we didn't know each other or were nervous at all. The conversation flowed, easily and merrily. Woman #1 tried sushi the first time, Woman #2 is highly intelligent and knew what she was talking about when it came to the place and the food. When we left, we were all in a relaxed and wonderful mood and planning to have it again next month. I so hope more people can join us next month, I so hope it is as much of a success. I was so proud that I did the night without being scared and without medication. One outing, one party, one meal, one event at a time and I will overcome.

Deeper Still

I find myself dwelling on 
the things I've done to you
How you've reacted on the outside
Wishing I could see deeper still
Wondering where your thoughts lead
If I were to cross your mind
During the days ins and outs & ups and downs
I suppose it is narcissism 
This idea that I do at all
This wondering if I am welcome
amongst things that hold priority
or am I swept away
Am I a break in your day?
I have made you smile 
I have seen it
I find myself wondering
If I make it linger
A thought rebounding into abstract
Somewhere between
What was and what could be
I find myself thinking about you
In the quiet of the night
the thoughts of you 
weaving in and out between 
Invention and what's real
Letting you linger in my imagination
Pretending you are thinking of me.
~a
2/4/11